since i still have just under FOUR months to go, i have a lot of time for fantasies. oh, don't worry (mom), i'm not going to talk again about naked dreams or my hot dreams with denis leary or the boy from the oc or joaquin phoenix or jake gyllenhaal (jake, i don't think you have my dream number; call me!). i have a whole 'nother batch of fantasy that i haven't yet shared. my favorite fantasy goes something like this:
(phone rings)
me (waddling very sexily to catch it): hello?
doctor: ms. reed?
me: yes?
doctor: i've been looking over your charts, and i am concerned about a few things. i think we need to talk about your pregnancy.
me (dropping, again with sexy grace—and some extra poundage—onto a velvet fainting couch): oh god, no! what is it?
doctor: after our discussion and reviewing your measurements, well, i think you're right about a few things.
me: you mean, it's true? i am one of those women who can't fit a baby? it just won't fit? i was right?
doctor: well, not exactly. this is something we've never seen before. after much review, we've determined that your baby is highly advanced and has already grown to a healthy full term in just five months. everything is developed: lungs, brain, heart, body, everything.
me: really? so what does this mean?
doctor: well, it's time to have this baby now. like today. he's ready.
me: oh god. you mean i have to give birth today?
doctor: oh no, gosh no. this is a very special situation. we have to be very careful. so we have samantha down here from bewitched. a couple wiggles of her nose and your baby will be delivered in a flash. you won't even know what hit you. you'll just suddenly have your full-term, healthy baby out.
me: i'll be right down.
doctor: oh, and ms. reed?
me: yes?
doctor: we've also recently discovered the sleeper gene, and this baby definitely has it. see you soon!
That must be what heaven is like.
When I was preggers, I used to have sex dreams about Ozzy Osbourne and Cedric the Entertainer. I promise I wasn't smoking crack while I was pregnant. I do not find either one of those men attractive or sexy at all!
Posted by: ballerinamommy | 07/13/2006 at 09:39 AM
The sleeper gene? I love that. Now if there was only a way to make that all really happen.
Posted by: Melissa | 07/13/2006 at 12:23 PM
When Samantha Stevens is finished at your house with your birth and such - please pass my email address and contact information along to her for me. I've been trying to reach that gal for a few years now.
oh yeah...umm I used to have dreams about Dave Navarro massaging my feet and telling me what an awesome Mom I was going to be.
(I ate a lot of ice cream before bed)
Posted by: Teresa M. | 07/13/2006 at 02:54 PM
I've had that fantasy a few times myself. It didn't include Samantha, though. I had to give birth myself.
Posted by: Louisa | 07/13/2006 at 08:31 PM