the wonder baby: an explanatory post

i guess i should fill you in on why i consider this here baby bulging out of my midsection my "wonder baby." on why this pregnancy has been bittersweet from the get go. that's IF i have any readers left after the naked dreams post who are not my friends and family...

after my second very-early miscarriage in a row, the docs said i had to have one more in order to get a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. so i kind of numbed up emotionally (uh huh, ri-ii-iight) and decided to go ahead and get pregnant again in order to do just that. have the third miscarriage. i just couldn't plan for another pregnancy in my mind. at least that's what i told myself. i had miscarried in august and then in december and got pregnant this third and current time right around valentine's day (god, i guess it was a relaxing weekend).

i talked to my doc right away after the positive test, asking for hcg tests against my very own better judgment, knowing this could very well lead to more anxiety rather than less. she also put me on prometrium (progesterone) at that time, at about four to five weeks along and said i was to take it until i was twelve weeks. so my first set of hcg tests came back and the numbers weren't doubling or even increasing at the at-least-60-percent rate "we like to see." my doc called and said, "doesn't look good." although i thought i was mentally detached (haha!), this news hit me hard, but i gave in fairly quickly. let's just get this crap over with then, i thought.

at six weeks, per my request, my doc did a sonogram and we saw a sack. an empty black hole of a sack, and she said, "this doesn't look good" and told me the sack was measuring too small for six weeks. "well, let's just wait and assume your dates are off." "my dates are not off," i said cause they weren't. i am 100 percent sure. a woman can know these things. she gave the doom and gloom look. then i asked her, "do you think the prometrium could be suspending the miscarriage then? keeping it from happening?" (i had read about this in at least one doctor's opposing view on using progesterone to prevent miscarriage; so many pregnancies end in inevitable miscarriage and the body's progesterone sometimes drops for a good reason, because there is a problem with the fetus). she said, "yes, that's good thinking. go ahead and go off the prometrium." i sat up in my paper lap dress, "so now i go home and wait? and i can call if i want a d&c?" "yes," she said.

i went home and stopped taking the cute pink pills. i waited a week. i cried a lot. i felt like i was going to have a nervous breakdown. i wanted it done. so i called and scheduled a d&c, asking for another sonogram before the procedure.

the night before the d&c, i was sick with worry over the procedure, the possible pain, all of it. i'm a major wimp, especially when it comes to ob/gyn procedures of any sort (like, you know, childbirth). i went in the next morning to get dilation started before my 1pm d&c, and the medical assistant took my bp and asked me to undress in the room. i told her i wanted the sonogram before undressing, and she went to ask my doc across the hall. i will never know if they were planning to do the sonogram anyway, but it freaked me out that i had to ask for it. it didn't appear to be in their plan.

five minutes later i'm laying on the table getting the sonogram and there, in black hole sack is a teeny tiny blob with its heart fluttering away. to say the least, i was friggin' shocked out of my gourd. "there's a baby with strong heartbeat," the doc said. "well, what's that mean?" i asked, baffled. in my mind, i thought there still must be something very wrong with the blob since the hcgs hadn't been doubling and it hadn't shown up at all on the last sonogram. it must be underdeveloped. it must be sick. it must be just waiting to die.

and i wanted it. oh, i wanted that little thing.

"that means you have what appears to be a healthy pregnancy so far." my doc acted like i hadn't just gone through anything at all strange. she acted excited about the heartbeat.

ten minutes later i was leaving the building, well, my body was. my head was still somewhere off in "what the F?" land. and a few days later i was working on getting a new doctor, which i got and here we are almost nine weeks later. things appear to be going along swimmingly (well, it's fine anyway, it appears to be fine). however, i just can't help but feel that things are stacked against this pregnancy (if it were a cat zygote with nine lives, i might feel differently).

of course, i shun this feeling every time i get it, and i am getting it less and less. but then last week, when the spotting occurred, i was sure the baby had died. i mean, no doubt in my mind. i just go right there. right to that painful place.

anyway, my cousin called this a "miracle baby" back when we found out it truly was a viable pregnancy. and i'm trying to go with that. trying ever so hard... i mean, stranger things have happened, and i have no real choice but to keep truckin' along (do i? i mean, do i?), hoping for the next good thing to come. and lucky you, you get to come along for the ride...

craving of the day: crispy tacos with meat, cheese, lettuce, and the must-have sour cream. i had three for dinner saturday night, two for lunch yesterday, and two for lunch today. i could eat a few more right here, right now. i love you, crispy tacos.

Comments

[Susan]

Okay, Sheri, girlfriend, could you WARN us about posts that require tissues? Or will result in a craving for crispy tacos? Because I don't seem to have either right here and I really need both right now.

I went through the Infertility Mambo to have my first son, and oh my heart aches for you. And I am pulling for the little miracle zygote.

Must get tissue. And taco.

[Sheri]

thank you so much, susan.

i hope you got the tacos too. i had two more for dinner. i think i might be done now.

[tracey]

Well, you my friend have a live-wire swirling around in there. I craved tacos too-I swear I ate them morning, noon and night for weeks during my pregnancy. What do I have to show for it? I spitfire toddler. Better get yourself a good pair of running shoes!

[Melissa]

It IS the miracle baby, and it wants you to be its mama. That's why you want so many tacos, I am sure of it. I myself had two meals of cheese quesadilla on Sunday...quite a thing, that cheese. I mean, do we really even digest cheese? How does it break down? You chew and chew and finally swallow, but really, it hasn't gotten any smaller, it is still a big glob of cheese...

[Politically Incorrect Mom]

Sheri I've been meaning to say congratulations both on this blog and your miracle baby!

And I think I might need a taco, but I'm not pregnant and do NOT need to be eating extra tacos!

[Sheri]

i am laughing so hard about the cheese, melis. it's so true.

i can't believe how catching a crispy taco craving is!

[Sabrina]

That is amazing. It's a good thing you asked for that sono. I remember when we were sure I was miscarrying and seeing that black hole. The dr had said that even though I was 6 wks the baby had been reabsorbed. That was a very rough time in my life. I'm right behind you, no cravings or anything for me yet though. Of course with the past, that scares the crap out of me. LOL I would love morning sickness any day now!

[mandy]

Sheri,

My heart aches reading this too, I can't believe you were so close to a d&c. I was just talking about this with a girlfriend of mine, saying to her should I ever need one, I would want to put it off as long as possible just in case we were wrong. WHAT a story. We just found out we are very early pregnant (had a baby in 12/31)again, which was planned. We are just waiting, and holding our breaths until we make it out if this scary stage. We miscarried the first Feb 05, but became prengant again in 4/05. She is perfect.
Congratulations...I am so happy to have found you here, I look forward to following along with you.

[Sherry]

You truely have a wounder in there... I hope the best for you and your lil blob, cause I have one too... :) 9 weeks for me and #4

[Beki]

That's touching. I'm so happy for you. I really don't know what I would do if that happened to me. The whole child thing makes me weak. I am actually trying for #1 I've been off brith control since January and we are hopin for a blob sooner or later. Children are my weak spot. I love um. Thanks for sharing.

[Lisa]

HI Sheri,
What a touching story. I too delt with fertility issues. I am 6 months pregnant and we can't wait for our little girl to be here. I was on pins and needles the first three months, the day I hit 12 weeks I felt like I took my first deep breath in a LONG time. It took us a little while to get pregnant and we had to go on fertility treatment, so I know how it feels to have this miracle inside you. I believe a strong mom makes strong babies and you surely pass the test. Good luck with everything!!
~ Lisa

[Hannah]

What an incredibly emotional saga! I was moved and touched having been through a very similar(freaky similar) experience. I think the doctors are almost routing for things not to work sometimes. Maybe they get a higher insurance kickback.
Here's to you, to the zygote who can adn will, and to crispy tacos.
Good luck.

[hannah]

Wow! I needed to read this so bad. I have had 3 m/c. I am now pregnant at about 6 weeks. My hcg was doubling,actually doing alittle more than doubling and my progesterone was 6.4 at 4-5 wks, and it dropped last week to 5. They put me on prometrium. I am a God fearing woman. I pray and have had lots of prayer. It still hurts to think of the ones I've lost. The first one I carried 10 weeks. it stopped developing at 6 weeks they think. When the doctor called me on a Sunday to let me know my progesterone had dropped to 5, I just kind of lost it. I balled hysterically and really cried out to God, you know. What else can I do but have a keep on truckin attitude and trust in the power that made me. I have been hopeful througout exeedingly grim circumstances, but God is good, and He has blessed me in many ways. Still, when I hear a bad report I tend to go right to that place, too. I feel ya there. All that you said encourages me, and I thank you. God bless you-

[eva gordon]

sheri,thanks for being so blatantly honest I really enjoyed reading your story and it made me feel normal for once!! I am a total cynical bitch who always thinks the worst case scenario and then is elated when things go as planned but I can't allow myself to be positive at first. I am about 9 weeks pregnant and am taking prometrium 100 mg a day and I had a miscarriage right before this baby so I kinda think that there is something wrong with this pregnancy too I had an ultrasound and it looked nothing like my other 2 kids ultrasound's at the same stage??? What the hell that means I don't know but I just can't get excited about this pregnancy, I act like I'm in mourning, I'm 35, 36 this April coming up. Needless to say I'm scared shitless about this pregnancy!! Eva Fontana Califoria

[Kathryn]

Wow! I think Hannah confirmed my fear for the day. Today was my first dr. appt at 10 weeks. The dr. asked if I'm sure of my last cycle because I am only measuring 6 weeks. She couldn't see any kind of a fetus or a heart beat, so reading this story made me think that all hope is lost. We had tried about 6 months to get pregnant, and received a positive early august. I go back on monday to check my hormone levels to confirm. So sad!!

[Janedoe2]

Hi Sherri,

I might be in the same boat.... I'm about 6 weeks pregnant, with a very undersized sac and very low hormone levels. I started bleeding and was convinced I lost my little sac. The dr put me on progesterone, and I have an appt on Friday to see if my little sac could grow. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it's nice to know that someone else experienced a very similar situation.